What if I could Order a Man like Coffee?

Updated: Sep 6

"You want a tall, triple non-fat latte, half-caff, caramel drizzle, extra hot, extra shot, a' WHAT?" Ahh, the flow of those words is like music to my ears. When it comes to 'coffee,' Usher was singing about me, I've got it bad. So much so that I often say if by some strange twist of fate I need to be rushed off to the hospital, please have them put coffee in my IV, and I'll be just fine. I promise. Yes, it is that serious. And yes, to me, it is that good! Now, if only finding a man was as simple as getting my perfect latte at my neighbourhood Starbucks, my face could serve as the LG icon indefinitely.



You had me had "shh-uuu-sss-hhh"

To a coffee-drinking-rookie, hearing a coffee 'connoisseur' order, a drink is like trying to explain Shakespeare to a toddler. Every avid coffee drinker knows that size does matter. And if you're really committed, you know that the not-so-secret, secret menu does exist. It's the mermaid of this Java Kingdom. Though, I'll say nothing can be compared to having built a rapport with your favourite barista. It's in that 'knowing' that makes you say, "You had me at hello!"

The smell of coffee alone can make you warm and fuzzy inside. I can only equate it to the feeling of the butterflies you get in the pit your stomach the first time dude tells you he loves you. Okay, that's a run-out, but coffee is my Miss Jones-we gat a thing going on. Better still, whether its red cup season or hot-girl summer, when your mixologist knows based on your 'taste,' what best suits you from the seasonal menu, even before you ask, that has to be a game-changer. And get this, if for some odd reason, you happen not to like the way your drink was mixed, they'll do it again, for free.



Talk about 'level up'-watch out now, Ciara. Walking into my regular coffee-joint is like being with someone who knows what I really mean when asking me what's wrong, and I say 'nothing!' It's seriously the perfect relationship.



When I was growing up, we girls prided ourselves on being sugar and spice and everything nice. While little boys were said to be made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails. Yet while as kids, we said 'yuck' to the thought of the opposite sex, as adults, it's all we seem to crave. Though boys pulling a girl's pigtails was regarded as a sign of affection, it has morphed into something a lot less desirable-like catcalling. Still, we've just grown into women hoping and wishing that the popular boy teases us so we'd at least feel relevant. I tell you, it's hard for a single chick in these pews!



I need a shot of Espresso

In the coffee world, people usually get an espresso shot if they need a boost or a lil' pick-me-up. Back in 2010, when I hit 'my' what is called the flirty 30, I thought this has to be it! I would be high on 'caffeine', aka 'love,' forever and ever, amen. Life was going to hand me the cup with my name on it. I'll finally get solidified into womanhood and be inducted into the 'honest woman' hall of fame. Yass, so where's my ring and license to say 'my husband' you'll to death? Is 'he' behind door number 1? No! Okay, door number 2 then.




Still no! What in the 'Ele-m-eno-p' is going on here? Even after 8 more years and a few encounters later, yet nothing. Then, in what felt like a blink of an eye, I woke up, and there was 39 starring me down the throat like two cowboys having a stand-off in a low-budget Western. Yes, you guessed it, my societal life accomplishment still has no checkmark.



I keep looking around to see if John Quiñones is about to jump from behind some partition and tell me the last 10 years of my life was an extended cut of "What would you do?" There I was starring in the episode titled, 'What would you do if you thought you weren't married but really was!' Needless to say, life 'tricked' me and doused my coffee mug full of decaf. And everyone knows that 'stuff' hasn't even earned the right to be called coffee.

(Sigh) Starbucks was there for me, though. Through thick and thin. Every time I needed to get out of the house, or I was tired of staring at the white walls, my barista greeted me with a smile and had that Venti Caramel Macchiato upside down with coconut milk, no foam add whip, with two pumps of vanilla, half shot, extra hot, on lock.



It was where I went when my creative juices were flowing, and I needed a spot to write with an uninterrupted internet connection (island people problems). So I got to thinking, wouldn't it be nice to have a fella as consistent as this here 'hug in a mug'? I mean 20 ounces of warm liquid magic! I'll tell ya, a man like this would be worth his weight in gold!



The best 'known' secret

Now, all Starbucks lovers know that there is a menu where you can order unadvertised goodies like a Skittles or Cookies n' Creme Frap. If you really need some 'suga,' a Cotton Candy, or a Fruity Pebbles Frappuccino will have you bouncing off the walls. There is also the Purple drink, which is not to be confused with the elixir made with cough syrup and soda. If you're PMS'n and need a fix, then a S'more Hot Chocolate is your vibe. My family at the 'Bucks' has even taken into consideration flu season, and I can soothe my phlegmy throat with a hot steaming potion known as a Medicine ball.



However, if you need to activate your beast mode, you can get a concoction called liquid cocaine, which amongst its other ingredients includes four shots of espresso. Talk about you making me high-I hear you, Toni Braxton. Either that or I can channel my inner She-Ra, "For the honour of Grayskull.....I have the powerrrr!!" Okay, I stop! Anyway, Starbucks knows whats-up, they know its nothing like a 'strong' brother.




Like my caffeine-dealers, the best-known secret to finding a good man of the 'unadvertised menu' is not looking. Any seasoned Barista will usually make a recommendation. I'll tell you the truth, good men do find you. Whoa, what?! Yes, I know. Mind blown, right? Well, Miss Single lady, why would 'you' of all people say that? I'm so glad you asked. I've tried this 'love' thing several times in many ways. Believe that.



I went looking, I was found, and one time, no joke; I accidentally tripped, fell, got up and found I was in a relationship. I also browsed the online scene, and I've even scoped out the 'manned of God' pool. Still, of all the times I was temporarily off-the-market, I'd have to say the best of them was the one I didn't seek. While it ended in mayhem and madness, it was by far the relationship where I experienced the best-worst of times ever.

The Secret is there is No Secret

Being part of an exclusive club makes you feel 'elite.' I know for sure I'm tired of being left out of the Marriage Ministry conferences. For many church girls, the ultimate goal, more than the marriage itself, seems to be the unrelenting need to post that 'God' wrote our love story. We want this elaborate 'Megan Markle marries Prince Harry' worthy story to tell our friends. You can wish for that all you want, but there are no guarantees that that's in the cards for you.



As much as I'd like to say it's possible, a man can not be customized, photoshopped into your life, nor can he be Abracadabra-ed into being. If it were that simple, everyone that desired it would have one. The only thing you can do is wait until it's your turn to be 'ordered' (someone prays for you). Don't negate the fact, though, that you can place an order too. But hey, keep going to your preferred Coffee-house and continue ordering your favourite drink. You have to get that 'happy' where ya can! On the bright side, you never know, 'he' just maybe the guy that pays it forward and writes his number on your cup. I think that makes for a pretty awesome story. Don't you?


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